i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
