Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
