I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
