i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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