Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You did what with his pubic hair?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
