Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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