Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
