Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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