After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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