I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
