I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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