After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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