your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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