I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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