a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
