This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Randomize
