Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
