Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
