Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
