at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
