Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
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