She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
