I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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