How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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