I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
