upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
