im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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