got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
