I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
