I wannas sexs uuuuu
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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