Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
