I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
