Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
