is your mom at the bar?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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