i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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