Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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