I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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