Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
