I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
