The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
