He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Found your dick twin last night
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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