If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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