It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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