Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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