btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My liver just had a heart attack.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
