is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
