I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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