oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
