I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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