I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Randomize
